Crazy Uncle Jasper
Jasper is an eccentric old man who, at the time the story begins, makes a living going from town to town peddling his bizarre kitchen and household appliances, although as the angry mob chasing him has found out, all of his inventions never quite seem to work as planned. Upon meeting Pandora and Simon, he instructs them to call him "Crazy Uncle Jasper". He can be easily identified by his distinctive hat, the purpose or aesthetic of which is uncertain, as he deflects all inquiry into its oddity by reminding people around him that he is delightfully insane, and insane people are allowed to dress however they want. He carries around a large sack, which he from time to time refers to as "the bag of genius", in which he keeps, among other things: a walking, talking piggy bank which is mystically imbued with the power to locate and guide Crazy Uncle Jasper to the nearest town; a kitten, which he received as payment from a man in the last village for his prototype kitten-robot (which promptly stole the man's wallet the first time he was asleep and ran away); a bar of soap which is capable of emitting jets of flame; a number of fully functional electric toasters which double as incendiary grenades; and a grappling hook. Crazy Uncle Jasper is fairly knowledgeable about history and culture, but seems reluctant to go into any detail of his life before he became a traveling salesman."What conceivable reason compelled you to invent an exploding toaster?"
"Look, sometimes a man needs to ward off an angry mob, and sometimes a man just wants some toast. I don't have enough room in this sack to carry around both."
...
"Welcome to the Gristlewood Inn. How will you be paying this evening?"
"Do you accept jam as currency?"
"No, we do not."
"What if it's really good jam?"
"No. What else do you have?"
"Let me take a look in my bag... bits of string, self-filling salt shakers... oh! I'll trade you this kitten!"
"Your trade is... acceptable."
"Children! Glorious news! I found a way to get rid of the cat!"
Pandora
"What's your name, dear?"
"Pandora."
"That's an unusual name for a girl. Doesn't it come from Greek mythology?"
"I don't know. My name used to be Ruth, but mommy changed it to Pandora when I was five, because she said I was always getting myself into trouble... I don't like mommy very much."
...
"Boys are stupid. I hate boys."
"Well, you think that right now, but that will change when you get older."
"Why? Do they get any less stupid?"
"No, but you'll start to notice it less."
Simon
"Gah! Monsters!"
"Quick! Hit them with the sword!"
"Okay... oh no! The sword broke! Now what do I do?"
"I don't know. In most of the books I read, hitting something with a sword is usually enough to solve any problem."
The Kestrel
"Hi! I'm Pandora. What's your name?"
"He won't answer you. Kestrels don't speak if they can avoid it."
"Why not? Are they shy?"
"No. The Kestrels speak in a language of musical wishes. Anything they sing about comes true, so they have to be very careful about what they say."
"Oh. Why can't they just talk normally, in our language?"
"Why would they want to?"
The Growlies
"Fear not, children! For in my bag, I possess an object which fills the Growlies with utter terror... a bar of soap!"
"Soap? We're supposed to be afraid of soap? Are you trying to tell us that we smell?"
"Foolish old man, we are not afraid of soap."
"No... it just offends our delicate sensibilities."
...
"Hi! We have come to eat your brains!"
"Aw, the three of you are the cutest trick or treaters ever!"
"Silence, tasty human! We are not cute. We are scary! Watch me be scary! Rar rar rar! Give us your brains!"
The Torment Spider
"He only has six limbs! Spiders have-""Hush, child."
"But-"
"Let's put it this way: if you were an extremely violent and generally unpleasant monster named the Torment Spider, wouldn't it be in everyone's best interest not to point out to you that spiders are supposed to have six legs?"
Sir Moses Weatherby
Hydra
No comments:
Post a Comment